


Smile, You're The Antichrist!

by littlemisstpk



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angel/Demon Relationship, Comedy, Fantasy Haikyuu Exchange 2019, Gen, Good Omens AU, M/M, Style stolen from Terry Pratchett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-13 12:02:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21243770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemisstpk/pseuds/littlemisstpk
Summary: After discovering that the baby they had been watching was not the Antichrist they had been expecting, Oikawa and Sugawara must try and figure out who it is.





	Smile, You're The Antichrist!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [icarusian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusian/gifts).

“You’re telling me, you lost the baby.”

Unbeknownst to the respective angel and demon, Sawamura and Iwaizumi say the exact same words in the exact same tone to their charges, Sugawara and Oikawa. Their joint mission, to stop or nurture the Antichrist (depending on which one you asked), has seemingly failed.

The only difference is that Sugawara is in Heaven, and Oikawa is in hell.

“Oops?” Sugawara shrugs with a half-apologetic smile. “Come on, Daichi, it’s a mistake anyone can make.”

“Iwa-chan, it was easy to think that Kageyama was the Antichrist. He had that air about him.” Oikawa waves his arms in the vague direction of the boy above him on Earth.

At the twin glares levelled at them, both Sugawara and Oikawa slink away to their homes on Earth.

* * *

Sugawara walks back to his shop, most decidedly distracted at the lack of empathy to his situation. It was he who, when disguised as a high school student, let Kageyama practice in the gym with his new volleyball partner, Hinata. They had won several championships as a result, and Sugawara got to watch what thought was the Antichrist turn into a productive member of the volleyball team. [1]

It isn’t long before the doors to the shop open dramatically, revealing Oikawa on the threshold. The sour expression on his face tells Sugawara enough, that the demon has received the same talk as him.

“I still can’t believe that it’s not Kageyama!” Oikawa drops into the chair with enough force that Sugawara is surprised that it doesn’t collapse under him.

Sugawara cuffs Oikawa across the back of his head. “I spent the last year of my fake high school career feeling an unimaginable dark energy every day.” Sugawara cradles his chin, lost in thought. “I do have three other options, though."

Sugawara and Oikawa may be as old as time, roughly five thousand years old, but what was supposed to be a bitter rivalry had transformed into a tenuous friendship. Still, Sugawara doesn't exactly want his friend to break his furniture. 

"Suga," Oikawa draws out the two syllables of Sugawara's nickname much like a small child whining to their mother. "Please don't tell me we actually have to work." 

Sugawara shrugs at Oikawa's laziness. "It won't be hard work, I'll just have to think over food." He snaps his fingers as his eyes light with inspiration. "I know just the place." 

* * *

As Oikawa takes another bite of the abominably spicy tofu, he dramatically chugs a glass of water while fanning his mouth. Meanwhile, Sugawara quirks an eyebrow at his friend's antics across the table, and gives an incredulous laugh. "You didn't have to come with me to the restaurant while I sit and think." 

"And miss out on you making an important discovery without me? Never." 

Sugawara scoffs. "You know, we're on opposite sides of a war." 

Oikawa leers at him. "That's not the impression I got at Pearl. The way you--" [2]

Oikawa did not have a chance to finish his sentence, as Sugawara shoves another morsel of mapo tofu in the demon's mouth, setting off another case of dramatics. 

"How can you eat this? This is way too hot, and I come from Hell." 

Sugawara takes a bite without so much as a bead of sweat or a flinch, and as he chews his food, he remembers the three names that joined the volleyball team his last year of high school a short ten years before. 

First, he would have to visit Tsukishima. 

* * *

Oikawa talks Sugawara out of marching directly to Tsukishima's door. "It's been too long, and you'll look like a creeper if you do that." 

Sugawara looks around at the quaint coffee shop near the high-rise where Tsukishima now works. “Like you’re any better. Who wears sunglasses indoors nowadays?”

Oikawa looks at Sugawara, most likely in the eyes. It’s hard to tell through sunglasses. “Cool people, that’s who.”

Sugawara snorts over his latte, and dislodges enough foam to spill onto his pants. “Do you really want me to comment on someone taking fashion cues from an eighties teenage heartthrob?”

Oikawa’s mouth draws a hard, straight line across his face, and stubbornly looks away. "You just don't know good music when you hear it."[3]

Just then, the door jingles open to admit a tall, blond man wearing glasses with thick black frames. Tsukishima doesn’t look that much different to how he looked as a high school first year, except in the present, he is almost two meters tall and doesn't look like a stiff breeze will tip him over. He hunches over as he waits in line to get coffee, and he doesn’t look fully awake.

Sugawara perks up at the sight of his former underclassman, but it's clear from first glance that Tsukishima is not the Antichrist. Sugawara is a little downtrodden at this discovery, because if there’s anyone from that year on his old volleyball team who was a candidate who wasn't Kageyama, it would have been Tsukishima.

Just as Oikawa tugs at Sugawara’s sleeve, Yamaguchi rushes through the door, and joins Tsukishima in the line.

“Tsukki, you forgot your lunch!”

Tsukishima doesn’t look pleased at being forcefully reminded of food in public, but he takes the lunch box without a fuss.

Oikawa hisses in Sugawara’s ear, “Why didn’t you tell me that Famine and Self-Doubt[4] were your underclassmen?”

Sugawara looks back at Oikawa like he had grown at least three more heads. “What are you going on about?”

Oikawa gives Sugawara a disapproving look. “I knew that War and Stupidity had already manifested, and were on your team. Loud baldy was War, and your tiny libero was Stupidity.”[5]

Sugawara looks between Yamaguchi, who is currently giving Tsukishima a peck on the cheek, and his fingers while silently counting out his possible suspects. It takes him longer than Oikawa, who laughs at his troubles.

“And here I thought that Angels were smart.”

Sugawara punches Oikawa in the gut. “You know better than most, being a _demon_ and all, that math is a completely different thing than most other subjects.” [6]

Oikawa laughs, rubbing at his stomach. “You’re missing a certain chibi-chan.”

“Damnit!” Sugawara swears, and he faintly hears Daichi yelling at him from heaven for cursing.

* * *

It’s been nearly five years since either Sugawara or Oikawa had actually seen Hinata in person. The shorter man now plays professional volleyball on the same team as Kageyama, and the giant billboard bearing their likenesses greets everyone on the way into the sports center. Sugawara winces at the sight of Hinata floating in the air, mid-jump, the origin of his athletic abilities now abundantly clear.

“Christ, I should have seen that earlier,” Oikawa mutters to himself. He recoils at the faint yelling from Iwaizumi in hell.

The angel and the demon both buy their tickets, selecting seats in the back row where it is difficult for players to actually see who is spectating. The dark energy, as far away as their seats are from the action, is as familiar to Sugawara as it was during his last match in high school, and his stomach sinks at the realization of how wrong he had been for a very long time. Hinata dashes from one side of the court to the other, and his jump is still impossibly tall, leaving both Sugawara and Oikawa to wonder how they didn’t see it before.

Kageyama and Hinata’s team do win, and Sugawara knows from the friendly shouting match on the court below that nothing has changed between the pair of volleyball idiots below. The loud, cheerful yell rings across the court, and Sugawara realizes why the world hasn’t ended: the Antichrist is too _likeable._

Oikawa digs into his ear canal, and mutters under his breath. “End of the world, my ass. It’s more like the end of my eardrums.”

Sugawara turns to his friend. “False alarm?”

Oikawa shrugs an agreement, before he perks up. “Hey, if I buy you mapo tofu, would you be willing--”

Sugawara pinches Oikawa’s lips closed. “Tofu first, conversation later.”

Oikawa tries to protest, but Sugawara’s fingers clench even harder.

“This doesn’t look like stopping the Antichrist.” Sawamura appears directly behind Sugawara, distracting him just enough that Oikawa is able to wriggle free.

“Shittykawa, did you even _find _the Antichrist? Or are you just here to harass Kageyama?” Iwaizumi appears a few seats down.

“Yes.” Oikawa tries to look innocent, but that only makes Iwaizumi’s already impressive glare even more impressive. “But look, the Antichrist was chibi-chan all along.”

Four sets of eyes regard Hinata closely. “He’s too likeable to be a threat, Daichi. He had all four Horsemen in one spot, and there wasn’t even an earthquake.”

Sawamura looks flabbergasted. “Wow, I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

Sugawara slapped his boss sharply on the back. “It’s great to know you have the utmost confidence in my abilities. Now, shut up, and let’s watch this match.”

**Author's Note:**

> 1 In Sugawara’s defense, the air crackled full of palpable dark energy during each practice and game. When he had run into Kageyama on the street, he didn’t exude any of that energy.[Return to text]
> 
> 2 Hawaii during wartime isn't the first time (or the last time) the two hook up, but it's certainly the most memorable.[Return to text]
> 
> 3 Reason number 62 for Iwaizumi to yell at Oikawa: questionable music taste. The number 1 reason is because it's fun. [Return to text]
> 
> 4 At the turn of the millenium, Hell deemed Death to be too morbid of a subject, and replaced the reaper with Self-Doubt.[Return to text]
> 
> 5 Somewhere around the time the internet was born, Hell realized that it could get more souls through stupidity, and replaced Pestilence as a horseman.[Return to text]
> 
> 6 Hell’s greatest inventions are water torture, the rack, bureaucracy and mathematics.[Return to text]


End file.
